There was an all-consuming, horrible blackness about the inside of the gigantic building. People reached out in the darkness, looking for some trace of human life, finding some solace in the packed crowds and the murmuring of thousands of people together in one place, packing the entire edifice full. And then there was light. Instantly, without warning, explosions of color rocked the field of vision of everyone involed, fireworks and laser lights detonating inside the cavernous room, instantly changing it from pitch black to daylight in mere seconds. People cowered before the sudden assault on their senses as techno with a VICIOUS backbeat began to play. "o/` This beat is monster! o/`" sang the speakers, as the spotlights focused together on a point in the heavens...the top of a fireman's pole decorated with red, white, and blue streamers and balloons, down it sliding a busty blond dressed in the same colors, waving to the crowd until she hit the ground on stage left like a superball in low-G, bouncing wildly in more ways than one. "o/` Yeah, come on...move your body! Get out on the dance floor! o/`" continued the music, as on stage right, the already blinding pyrotechnic display was continued by a massive blast of red, white, and blue sparkling explosions that erupted skyward, revealing a rough and ready disco warrior dressed in a pure white leisure suit in their wake. He flashed a wild grin at the audience, hand held high, Travolta homage firmly in place. "Wai!" cheered the blond, straining to be heard over the wildly cheering crowd despite the mic attached to what could charitably be called an 'outfit'. "Our game show is so so beautiful and strong!" "That's right, baby," the man affirmed, nodding and turning to blow a kiss at the audience. "The revolution will DEFINITELY be televised." Meeting in center stage, the two outlandish figures nodded, then struck dramatic, chiropractically-impossible powerposes of DISCO DEATH! "Prepare yourself for a... ***************************************** LUVLUV REVOLUTION! Impro's only slapstick comedy battle for fun, prizes, and, of course, LUVLUV! by Todd Harper creative consulting by Kristen "Illyria" Smirnov ***************************************** It was the Mall of America. It was the Mall of America celebrating what essentially looked like Mardi Gras, except as seen by a drunk, naked bead-junkie hanging off a balcony, viewing all of the Big Easy upside down and on an acid trip. Camp Snoopy had been commandeered for ground zero, the host stage, and the theme of red, white, and blue was only slightly less obvious than Team Rocket at the Republican National Convention. Streamers and balloons were everywhere. The stage itself was actually fairly tame, but behind it, a raging mass of TVs combined to make a video wall that made the TitanTron look like a Watchman. The giant Lego Snoopy(tm) rose behind it like the Colossus of Rhodes, lit in the garish neon glow of the DISCO POWER! which pervaded the entire mall. "As you may have guessed, hep cats, I am Hiro, the superfly mack daddy +1 armor disco warrior of LUUUUUUUUUUV," the white-suited man said, spinning once and blowing a kiss to the audience. His Frank Lloyd Wright- perfect hairdo followed him on a five-second time delay, bouncing into place as the women of the crowd (and some of the men, and hippies who had wandered in, confused by the shiny lights) swooned backward. "Wai! And I'm the beautiful and strong Tiffany Lords!" the peppy blonde cheered, waving her arms in the air and bouncing about in defiance of local gravity laws, sending most of the men in the the first row (and some of the women, and small animals, and the epileptic) spiralling downward in a twitching heap on the ground. The crowd had a moment to collect themselves (and their bodily fluids, in some cases) as Hiro and Tiffany moved closer to center stage, the massive video wall displaying this clearly to anyone in eyeshot (or, in other words, the entire state of Minnesota). "You may be wondering, swingin' people... how did they rent out an entire mall, hire the fabulously talented Hiro, and distribute so much alcohol to an entire city of people at no cost to them?" This last provoked a deafening cheer of appreciation, as well as the clinking of about 20,000 frosty mugs together, which gave the impression that 17 seperate productions of Phantom of the Opera were being performed in close proximity to each other. Tiffany nodded, then pointed a boxing-gloved hand at the massive video wall, which suddenly went to static as a new line feed was routed to it. "Well, it couldn't be done without our sponsor! Here's a message he's recorded just for you you you!" she bubbled, hopping up and down. The staticky UberTron went to a brief test pattern, and then flickered to a most intimidating and recognizable logo. No, not a Nike swoosh: a skull flanked by two stylized wings. This was soon replaced by a 75' high likeness of M. Bison. A smiling, party-hat wearing M. Bison holding a brandy snifter in one hand and a noisemaker in the other. Considering his facial expression remained pretty much the same and the evil glow of Psycho Power was still bright behind his eyes, the vision was a study in cognitive dissonance. A few people in the back with weak hearts dropped dead in an instant. "Greetings, mortals," Bison intoned, sipping from his brandy casually. "You may be wondering why an all-powerful bad boy of pure and indescribable NASTINESS such as myself would host a gala event like this. I don't blame you." He smiled, a 75' wide smile that caused coronaries a'plenty across the board. "Well, I'll tell you. I think Shadowloo has gotten a bad repuation in venues such as MTCFF Ultra, and I'm seeking to remedy that. Consider this a peace gesture from me to you." He took another sip from the brandy, and casually waved the noisemaker in a circle. "So have fun. Enjoy yourselves at our expense. Hopefully his will improve our public image. And facilitate our slow, insidious mind-control of your pathetic little lives." There was a pause as the audience (and the hosts) took a moment to digest this. "And, of course, a chance to provide free beer." The crowd, knowing a good deal when they heard it, cheered raucously. "Oh, and one last thing. I know how important it is to have someone competent in charge, so I've hired a bloodthirsty mercenary to keep you all in line. Come on out, please, Director?" A spotlight winked into existence from the vaulted ceiling, waving about wildly, and from behind the UberTron emerged a figure. "The most fearsome, destructive, hard-bitten mercenary money could buy, with just the right skills to handle a..." He paused. "...full-out raise-the-roof bash...such as this." The spotlight stopped on Bison's fearsome hired henchman. All 5'1" of her. "Booyaka, biznatches! I'm your director for this evening, Selphie Tilmitt!" the figured bubbled, tossing a "V" and trying hard not to fall out of what essentially looked like a Barbie dress stuck on a young girl. "I just want to say what an honor it is to be here, and this is all about FUN, so lemme know how we can make this show better for you! My crack team of assistants -- Raijin, Fuujin, and the Mistress of [THRUST], Ma Dincht -- will be helping out too!" Selphie waved her arm at the edge of the stage, where a MASSIVE DJ table had been erected, containing Selphie's three stooges, who waved at the crowd enthusiastically (well, except for Fuujin, who twitched an eyebrow; about as close as you get with Fuujin). "So, there you have it. Please enjoy, and remember, the ticket is for an all-night affair, so guards with machine guns have been posted at every exit. Ciao!" With another flash of the smile, the image of Bison winked out to static. "Wai!" Tiffany enthused, turning back to the crowd. "M. Bison is so so evil and domineering!" Hiro blinked. "Yo, flag chick. Those aren't happy traits." Tiffany blinked, putting a puzzled glove to her chin, bouncing with a huff. "Demoooou, that's not what Roy said when he came in with the handcuffs!" The collective facefault of thousands was not unexpected. Hiro, with his Unflappable Cool(tm), merely held his head in his hands. After the greater portion of pretty much everyone stuffed into the mall had time to recover, Hiro turned back to the crowd with another Winning Smile(c Kim Kaphwan, 1998-2000). "As the title may have told you, this little contest is all about...luuuuuuuuuuuv," Hiro said, downshifting from "Pimpin'" to "Super Pimpin'" and accelerating quickly to "Superfly". "Naturally, we aim to please. We're here to make y'all happy. Especially the chicks." He finished the whole thing off with a Glintysmile(tm). Tiffany blinked, looking at Hiro curiously. "But Hiiiiro-kuun, that girl didn't seem happy at all!" she burbled, making vague waving motions off the side of the stage. "Shut UP, Tiffany." "Waaaah! Now I'm not happy either! I hope your hair gel is flammable and someone throws a match on you!" "ANYWAY," cut in Selphie from offstage, giving both hosts a patented SeeD Death Glare (which, on Selphie, managed to make her look like she lost control over her facial musculature, rather than angry). "For your viewing pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our prize for tonight's festivities... Delfina!" From the vault of the heavens (alright, from the fourth-floor balconies) came a flood of spotlights that converged on a raised platform to the left of the stage. A mock beach had been set up, complete with tall palm trees and lots of sand. And what mock beach would be complete with a large cage made of sharpened bamboo stakes and surrounded by men in tribal gear? "When I get out of here, you're ALL DEAD!" said the prisoner in the cage, an average-height girl with long, dark hair and eyes. She was dressed in a long, flowing, Elizabethan gown, complete with an extremely tight- looking bodice. "You hear me, woman? DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!" Further threats were cut off as she began sneezing violently. "Wai! Delfina is so so cool and speaks Russian! What a catch, right guys?" Considering she was bouncing like the San Andreas as she said so, no male in the audience was in a position to disagree. Hiro made a half turn, winking to the audience as he did so, and pointed one leisure suited-arm at the fake beach. "Although she's a groovy chick, Del had some issues with appearing on our show. So we arranged for a funky little pad for her to watch the show in. Raijin?" At the producer table, Raijin waved, then tossed a hand at the UberTron, which lit up with a CG rendered schematic of the fake beach. "It wasn't easy, ya know? But we came up with somethin' good." The CG render zoomed in on the bamboo. "You might think this is just bamboo, but it's in fact a mutant hybrid that's as strong as tensile steel, ya know? But that might not be enough, so we got..." "MEOW MIX," Fuujin chimed in eloquently. "Um, yeah. Since Delfina's greatest fear is cats, we got a tribe of catguys to guard the cage, ya know?" "CATS!" shrieked Delfina, spiking the sound system. "I'm stuck in this bodice and surrounded by CATS!" She smiled a nice, crazy Evangelion- style life-is-happy-lalala smile, head tilted at an odd angle. "Wai! The catguys are cute and furry and they're not wearing that much clothing!" Tiffany bubbled. "And Delfina is such a big big prize! Whoever wins tonight gets to have a dream date with her, paid for completely by us!" "You got it, groovy cat," Hiro said with a smile, causing Delfina to shriek madly. "Uh, sorry about that, Del-baby." "CATS!" Stepping up on stage with a powerful [THRUST], Ma Dincht snagged Selphie's microphone and stepped into the spotlight, waving at the crowd cheerfully. "Hey y'all. I'm Ma Dincht, here to explain the rules and rounds of tonight's contest!" ROUND 1: "This is an Ultra-style battle royale! Fuujin's been running names through the official LUVLUV Calc(tm) all week, and she's handpicked 12 fighters to wage war in THIS VERY MALL! That's right, folks. The combatants are gonna be dukin' it out right in your backyard!" Raijin nodded from the production table. "We've split them into six teams of two, ya know? The three teams left standing move on to..." ROUND 2: Ma Dincht grinned, twirling the mic around and pointing at Del's cage with it. "In round 2, the six top fighters will be put through a few little games we've cooked up to see how worthy they are of Delfina's LUVLUV!" She emphasized this last with a mini[THRUST], causing the crowd to cheer insanely (although they couldn't quite figure out WHY). "Just because someone's a romp-'em, stomp-'em, kung-fu grip asskicker in round 1 doesn't mean they'll do so hot in round 2, so don't place yer bets too early." "...SINGLED OUT," Fuujin explained, clarifying the source material for the second round. ROUND 3: "Finally, we get to round 3. Only three competitors will be left, and our little prize is going to ask them a series of questions! Whichever one of the lucky little bastards answers the closest to her own gets to take 'er home! WOO!" "I'll never cooperate, you hear me?!" the prize snarled, face twitching in anger. "NEVER!" "Is that right?" Selphie said with a giggle. "Hey, Fuujin." Nodding, the white-haired girl solemnly took the mic from Ma Dincht, then blew a note on a pitch pipe. "I WANT CHICKEN, I WANT LIVER, MEOW MIX MEOW MIX PLEASE DELIVER..." "AAARGH! Alright! MAKE HER STOP!" Delfina ranted, plunking down in the sand and sobbing. "You're all EVIL! Evil evil evil!" Raijin looked at his partner with a mixture of awe and horror. After a moment, he was collected enough to speak. "That's just WRONG, Fuujin. Crackful, ya know?" This was answered by a whack across the head with a mic stand, which spent Raijin sprawling. "CRITIC." The spotlights dimmed as the focus came back to the hosts. Hiro pointed a finger at Ma Dincht, recoiling with with a click of the tonuge. "Thanks for the rules, Thrust Lady. I think this crowd is just about ready for us to start the bustin' up of heads." "Wai!