Alena, Warrior Drag Queen

EXT. MADISON, WISCONSIN, CIRCA 200 B.C. – DAY

Alena, the Warrior Drag Queen, is sauntering along the Lakeshore 
Path along Lake Mendota with her sidekick, Plain Jane. Both are 
dressed in a very outlandish style inappropriate for land travel, 
though Jane’s dress is far more conservative than her 
companion’s. The occasional jogger or wanderer travels along the 
same route; a few of them stop and give Alena and Jane strange 
looks.

ALENA
(Conversing with Jane animatedly)
…And that’s how I took down the Jesse Helms cult of 
Lower Mesopotamia.

JANE
(Dry, but feigning interest)
Really? Is it even POSSIBLE to get that many sane 
people onstage singing “I’m Too Sexy” in pink tutus?

ALENA
Who said they were sane?

JANE
(Sighing)
Miss Alena, I realize that you’ve got very strong 
views about politics like this, but was it really 
necessary to do something like that?

ALENA
(Hmphing, she stops and faces Jane with a stern, 
parental look on her face)
Honey, please. Haven’t we been travelling together 
long enough for you to realize? There’s a superstar in 
everybody. I’m just trying to bring it out in them and 
make them have a little fun.

JANE
(Annoyed, she’s heard this all before. She stops and 
rubs her temples as if she has a headache)
Yeah, yeah, yeah…to atone for your time as a Christian 
Coalition activist, I remember, I remember. So where 
are we headed, anyway? This place doesn’t look 
familiar




ALENA
(Begins walking again, pointing onward)
We’re headed to a city called Madison. I’ve heard that 
there are people there who are truly knowledgeable in 
the ways of fashion and style. That, and it’s full of 
hot guys.


JANE
(Grousing)
I knew it. Why can’t we go somewhere where we’d be 
useful for once, instead of wandering around looking 
for sales on plastic clothing and men in tight pants? 
You could do so much good in the world. You could be a 
hero among men! (slight pause) Women! (sigh) 
Something.

ALENA
(Laughing)
How little you know, Jane…that is why I’m the title 
character, and you are the sidekick. (winks at camera) 
To answer your question: I think I am doing some good 
in the world. Yeah, I’m not out there hacking up 
warlords and baring my chest on national television, 
but I’m doing my part.

JANE
(Resigned) If you say so. Let’s just get into town, do 
what we need to do, and get moving before you get us 
arrested again.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. OBSERVATORY HILL, OUTSIDE A BUILDING – DAY

Outside a small building atop Observatory Hill, a small group of 
student protestors is gathered around an official-looking 
building, carrying signs and chanting “QUEERS NO, HE MUST GO!” 
and other miscellaneous and obviously bigoted slogans. Alena and 
Jane are approaching the hill in the distance, and although the 
protestors are being rather loud, people don’t seem to be paying 
them all that much attention.

JANE
(Pointing)
What’s going on up there? Looks like they’re having 
quite a riot or something of the sort.

ALENA
(Shielding her eyes with her hand)
Huh. I can’t tell. Let’s get on up there and take a 
look. Onward, trusty sidekick!

JANE
Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, aren’t groups 
of protestors traditionally angry and vicious and not 
exactly friendly to strangers wandering by?

ALENA
You’ve forgotten Drag Queen Rule number 15-A, Jane.
(She watches Jane expectantly, but Jane does nothing).
Come on. You can’t be the sidekick if you’re not going 
to play by the rules.

JANE
(She sighs loudly, and suddenly assumes a dramatically 
flamboyant pose, speaking in an exaggeratedly 
‘flaming’ voice)
Drag Queen Rule NUMBER 15-A: Whenever you can make an 
entrance, girlfriend, don’t hold back.

ALENA
(Proud)
Exactly! Let’s get up there and show those people what 
we’re made of!

JANE
(Snide)
Silicone?

ALENA
(Grumbling and grabbing Jane by the arm, dragging her 
along)
Just shut up and get moving.

Alena and Jane make their way up to the chanting group of 
(formerly) rowdy protesters, with the camera from behind the 
group and watching the two approach from a distance. The 
protesters are much more vocal and insistent now. There is no 
sign of life from inside the building, however, so some are 
getting bored and are doing miscellaneous things like playing 
cards, etc.

ALENA
(Smiling and laying on the ‘flame’)
It’s a party, and I wasn’t invited! How horrible. Hey, 
angry people. Por que are we using our right to 
demonstrate peacefully?
(She notices one especially handsome man in the group, 
and winks at him)
Heya, handsome.

RIOTER #1
(Impassioned)
We’re here to have a professor suspended from duty for 
teaching inappropriate subject material in his 
classes!

ALENA
(Impressed, but utterly ignoring Rioter #1)
Really, darlings? That sounds absolutely fascinating.
(She takes a step toward the handsome rioter, Rioter 
#2, who gives her the eye, confused and a little 
scared. Jane decides to follow)
So tell me, luscious, what cause are you fighting for 
in particular? And how can beautiful little me help?

JANE
(Horrified, hissing in Alena’s ear)
What is wrong with you? We’ve only known these people 
for 5 minutes! Probably less!

ALENA
(Leaning back to hiss back at JANE)
Oh, hush. They’re such nice-looking people. What can 
go wrong?

Jane slaps her forehead in annoyance. The other Rioters are 
beginning to take an interest in Alena hanging off Rioter #2, as 
well as Jane. Rioter #1, the apparent leader, eyes Alena in 
annoyance.

RIOTER #1
For your information, we’re protesting because 
Professor Smith has been teaching in his classes that 
transvestitism is normal and we should accept it! I 
mean, it’s against the laws of man and God for men to 
wear women’s clothing! It’s appalling!

There is a pregnant pause as Alena and Jane both look up at 
Rioter #2, who smiles sheepishly. They both turn and look at 
Rioter #1, who looks unexpectedly smug.

ALENA AND JANE
Ooooh reeeeeeally…?

RIOTER #1
(Nodding, confident)
Yes, really. The Bible forbids it, you know. So my 
boyfriend and I got a few people together to protest. 
Isn’t that right, honey?

Rioter #1 waves her fingers at Rioter #2 with a 
wolfish smile, until Alena smirks herself and pushes 
Rioter #2 away with surprising force, sending him 
tumbling. She takes a step forward and runs her hand 
through her hair.

ALENA
Heh. Did you really think you could hide your immoral 
activities from Alena, Warrior Drag Queen? HA! Foolish 
little girl. You’ve got some nerve, protesting about a 
professor who’s perfectly precise in his preaching!

JANE
(grumbling)
Again with the alliteration. Oy.

ALENA
(Ignoring Jane)
Now, then! You all have five seconds to get out of 
last season’s clothes and out on the dance floor, or 
you’ll face the wrath of the Warrior Drag Queen!
(Alena draws her foil)

RIOTER #1
(Angry)
Oh, GOD! Some freak was hanging on my boyfriend!
(She points at Alena, conveniently ignoring Jane)
Get the blasphemous little queer!

Techno music comes up as the Rioters charge Alena. True to her 
name, the Warrior Drag Queen dispatches them all with her trusty 
sword in record time. The rioters end up on the ground, in pain. 
Jane looks on in horror.



JANE
You…just KILLED 7 peaceful University students! Why, 
for the love of GOD?!

ALENA
(Unconcerned)
I did it…fo’ dat ass. Besides, they’re not dead. This 
is a family show. Check the script.

Jane blinks, calling for a script, which is delivered 
to her by a stage hand in a headset. She flips through 
it for a moment, then sighs and hands the script back, 
clearing her throat.

JANE
Ahem. You just MAIMED, BUT CERTAINLY DIDN’T KILL OR 
THE CENSORS WILL BE ALL OVER US, 7 peaceful University 
students!

ALENA
Hohoho. Of course. They were wearing last season. This 
way they’ll have to buy new clothes and get into the 
style, darling. Blood never comes out.

JANE
(Appalled)
Do you really think that was a good idea?

ALENA
It’s not about what’s a good idea. It’s about what’s a 
good idea AT THE TIME.

All of a sudden, there is a sound of loud, stereotypically 
maniacal laughter all around. Alena and Jane start looking for 
the source of the laughter, but don’t find it.

EUROPA (VOICE OVER)
Hahahahahaha! What a pleasant surprise, Warrior Drag 
Queen! I didn’t think you’d fall for such a lame and 
obvious trap, but apparently I overestimated your 
intelligence! Hahahahaha!

JANE
(annoyed, tired, frustrated)
Oh no, it’s Europa Richangorjus, my arch enemy.


ALENA
(oblivious to Jane)
Oh no, it’s Europa Richangorjus, my arch enemy!
EUROPA (VOICE-OVER)
Correct, drag dupe! I orchestrated this entire riot to 
lure you into my clutches!

JANE
(dry)
You bitch. Show yourself.

ALENA
(still oblivious, takes a combative stance with her 
foil)
You BITCH! Show yourself!

EUROPA (VOICE-OVER)
I think not. Come to the Botanical Gardens tomorrow 
morning, and we shall settle this once and for all! 
Hahahahahaha…

Europa’s laugh fades out, and Alena relaxes, but her face is 
still annoyed. She turns to Jane, who is quietly trying not to go 
into a screaming fit of rage.

ALENA
That does it! The bitch has to DIE! We’re going to put 
her style-challenged ass in a sling tomorrow morning!

JANE
(Expectant but not too hopeful)
Does this mean you’ve finally realized the threat that 
her plans for world conformity present, and that 
you’re the only one who can stop her?

ALENA
What are you talking about? I chipped a NAIL taking 
out all these protesters, and it’s HER FAULT!

FADE TO BLACK as Jane sighs and shakes her head, and Alena 
inspects her cuticles carefully.

EXT. BOTANICAL GARDENS – DAY (EARLY MORNING)

Alena and Jane have arrived and are waiting for Europa to arrive. 
They look impatient: Alena is dancing to techno tunes and 
swinging her foil in a completely random manner; Jane is reading 
a book entitled “HACKING FOR DUMMIES”. After a brief pause, 
Europa makes her entrance, alongside her muscle, Reverend Jim. 
When she does, Jane immediately puts away the book and gets on 
her feet. There is a pause as Europa and Jim wait patiently; 
eventually, Jane punches Alena in the arm, snapping her back.

ALENA
Aha! My arch enemy, Europa Richangorjus! So, you’ve 
finally decided to settle this, you styleless skank?
(She eyes Jim)
And whoever the hell you are.

EUROPA
(Hands on hips; it is apparent that she is just as dim 
as Alena is)
Indeed! Now that I’ve lured you out in the open, I’ll 
kill you and get revenge!
(points accusingly at Alena)
Ralph Reed fired me because of that prank you pulled! 
Now Reverend Jim and I are going to make sure you pay! 
Then we’ll institute our plans for world conformity, 
ending all drag queens FOREVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JIM
(About as intelligent as deli meat)
Hallelujah!

ALENA
(giggling)
Hahaha! That WAS a pretty good gag, wasn’t it? God, 
the LOOK on your FACE…

Alena goes into a brief giggling fit. Jane coughs, and punches 
her in the arm again. Alena scowls at Jane, then points her foil 
at Europa.

ALENA
At any rate…bring it on, Baptist bitch! And your 
little dog, too!
(She stagewhispers to Jane)
You take the REALLY ugly one.

JANE
(rolling her eyes)
Oh, that’s helpful.

EUROPA
(Drawing her own foil)
En garde!

Techno starts up again. Alena and Europa run at each other, and 
proceed to have the stupidest sword duel in the history of 
television: kicking, biting, insult-tossing, and other 
miscellanea. This is all secondary to an annoyed Jane, facing off 
against Jim, who stands there looking implacable and goonlike. 
This continues for a long while, until Jane reaches into her bag 
and withdraws a stuffed toy.

JANE
(Cautious)
I’ve got a Furby you can play with.

JIM
(entranced)
Oooooooh.

Jim plunks down, entranced by the Furby and making cooing noises 
at it. Jane takes the opportunity to grab “Hacking for Dummies” 
and runs off. The camera refocuses on the so-called ‘duel’.

ALENA
Had enough yet?

EUROPA
I’ve just begun to fight!

CUT TO CG LETTERING: “Forty-five minutes later”

Alena and Europa are still at it…sort of. Both of them are 
particularly exhausted, and fence in a very haphazard manner, 
more trading insults than ripostes.

EUROPA
(breathing heavily)
I don’t know…what’s worse. Your technique…or your 
outfit.

ALENA
(also breathing heavily)
Ha. Feel the…force of my…funky fresh…fencing, fashion 
freak!

They pretend to fence a little more, before we hear…

JANE (OFFSTAGE VOICE)
Alright, let’s end this farce. There she is, boys.

Jane and two Plainclothes Detectives make the scene. Jane goes to 
stand near Alena; the detectives grab Europa and hold her steady.


DETECTIVE #1
Europa Richangorjus? You’re under arrest for 
embezzling.

EUROPA
(whining)
Wha…what? How? How did you find out? It’s not 
FAAAAAIR!

JANE
Simple. While you and Alena were fighting, I hacked 
into your Swiss bank records and forwarded the 
evidence to the police.

Another detective moves toward Alena and Jane to shake a hand; 
Jane assumes it’s her and is dumbstruck when it turns out to be 
Alena.

DETECTIVE #2
Good work, Ms. Warrior Drag Queen. Society owes you a 
great debt.

ALENA
(Smug)
Of course! All in a day’s work for someone as fabulous 
as me! Take her away, boys!

The detectives nod and drag a frothing Europa off. We are left 
with a smug-looking Alena and a silently fuming Jane.

ALENA
Ah yes…just another job in the life of someone 
dedicated to upholding truth, justice, and the 
Christian Dior way! It’s so tough being me.
(She looks at Jane)
What’s up with you, honey? Breakfast disagree with 
you?

JANE
(Gritting her teeth)
(MORE)
I can’t imagine what would be wrong.

ALENA
You know, you’ve been awful quiet lately. Something on 
your mind?

JANE
(Smiling; we get a shot of her holding a baseball bat 
behind her back


(MORE


(CONT’D)
Actually, I did have something I wanted to go over 
with you…

Jane advances on an unwitting Alena, who we hear screaming as 
soon as we’ve done a:

FADE TO BLACK

CREDITS SEQUENCE:

Credits and music roll over a shot of the entire cast sitting in 
a semicircle in front of the Furby, looking at it entrancedly. 
Every once in a while the Furby makes a noise; the cast then 
repeats it, zombie-like, until the credits come to a close.

FADE TO BLACK
END

(CONTINUED)
(CONTINUED)