~Revolutionary Girl Utena...Translated~ Episode One Opening Sequence: Look~! I'm a huge spoiler and no one knows it! rinbu - revolution: So am I! I represent the entire series! This is SWEET! XD Opening Sequence: . ..Ikuhara would save a lot of money if he just stuck to us. rinbu - revolution: No doubt, my brotha. But we have to have a series, right? Opening Sequence: Of course we do. I think we do. rinbu - revolution: .... Opening Sequence: ...Let's give it a try. Narrator: Once upon a time, there were people that can't remember anything correctly. More specifically, there was this girl who had NO FUCKING CLUE what she was doing any time she did something. Ahem. Anyway, then there was this guy. He was dressed funny, so the girl guessed he was a prince. Since her parents had just died, she was very susceptible to suggestion, and so she decided she was in love with the prince. He gave her a spiffy ring, and said, "Little one, who has no fucking clue what you are getting into, don't ever lose that gullibility, or that blind determination, even when you grow up and should know better. I give you this to help you forget all about this conversation. We'll meet again when you get a fucking clue as to what's REALLY going on." Narrator: Perhaps the ring he gave to her would be her DOOM. I guess we'll never know...at least, not for another 39 episodes or so. Anyway, so impressed was she by his total apathy toward her that the little girl decided that she was going to be a prince too, only she was going to replace total apathy with ungodly ignorance. Now, was that such a good idea? Title Screen: The Ultimate Metaphor! Wakaba: I'm having trouble feeling special this morning. Random Girls: Wakaba! Are you having trouble feeling special this morning? Wakaba: *Places hands on hips* Of course not! My transgendered prince lady man person will come for me~~~! Random Girls: Or she'll, like, go to class or something. Wakaba: Special people SUCK! *Storms off to find Utena* Ohtori Academy: I am very large, baroque, and phallic in some places. I don't look threatening at all! Check out my power as a metaphor for the teenage years of Kunihiko Ikuhara! *Sparkles* Utena: My god, I look as if life is about to club me over the head with a pickax. Utena: ...That's not far from the truth. Ratchet-sensei: You there! In the woods! Utena: ...I am in the woods? Ratchet-sensei: You show blatant signs of a metaphor for thinking outside the mold. Utena: THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Wait, let me check my little book... Yes, THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. Ratchet-sensei: Geez, go easy on me, this is just exposition. Utena: I can play basketball. Marvel at my headstrong ability to pay attention only to myself. It translates into baskets! :D Basketball Team: She's GOT to be a main character. Fangirls: MY GOD, I WANT YOUR BODY, UTENA-SAMA! Utena: Sure, sure, it's your turn today, I think. Basketball coach: You know, if you joined my basketball team, you'd manage to avoid being the main character, and therefore all the PSYCHE-RENDING NUTCASES that will be thrown at you. Utena: Excuse me, but I'm IGNORANT. I'd hate to avoid my impending doom! Basketball coach: Aren't you supposed to represent thinking outside the mold? Utena: ...Will you just let me be hypocritical in peace? Basketball coach: Technically I don't even exist, you never actually see me on screen. Utena: That's because you don't even matter. *I'M* the one that wants to pretend to want to save damsels in distress! It gives my life purpose! Basketball coach: ...I can tell I signed on for the wrong TV series. Utena: *Strides forward purposefully* ^^ Utena: Woah, rose scent. Plot point ahead. Anthy: *Watering roses inside her cage, smiling happily* I hate my life. Utena: Let's see, why does a rose scent always make me think of my ring...hm...oh yes, that's right, the prince said I wasn't going to remember any of this. Hum de. *Utena teleports to the second floor* Utena: Woah, trippy. Hey, there are people down there. He has green hair. *Saionji backhands Anthy, who pretends to fall to the ground* Utena: ...I'll have to get to understanding that girl after she's raping my mind. Right now, I'm more concerned about feeling important. My paradigm says that what he's doing is wrong! *Touga grabs Saionji's hand because he is Mini-Akio* Utena: *Sighs* No work for me after all. *Wakaba mounts Utena from behind* Wakaba: I WANT TO MERGE WITH YOUR BODY! Utena: >.< Goddammit, get off me! Wakaba: LET ME IN! Utena: >.< Can you at least put this off until the Black Rose Arc? Wakaba: *Weeps* Alright, fine. Utena: Sheesh, you're nearly as bad as I am. x.x Wakaba: Hey, check it out, maybe I can absorb that green-haired guy into my body. Utena: Who IS he, anyway? And what shampoo does he use? Wakaba: Videl Sassoon. ^-^ Washes it twice and then uses a firm finger massage action with his conditioner. Utena: ........... Wakaba: But yeah, he's Saionji Kyouichi, not-member of the Student Council, and the buffoon of this series. If I can't molecularly combine with YOU, Utena, then maybe I could merge with HIM on the genetic level! Utena: Okay, this is just wrong. Who's the red-haired guy? Wakaba: That's Kiryuu Touga, the Student Council Poser. He likes to think he has a real personality, but in reality he's just going to be screwed six ways to Sunday no matter WHO he acts like. Utena: And the girl? Wakaba: Oh, that's Himemiya Anthy, the REAL main character. Better stay away from her, she'll start throwing ALL KINDS of wacked out shit at you. Utena: Woah! I bet I can pretend to care about her while actually ignoring everything she does for the ENTIRE SERIES if I try really hard. Wakaba: Well, she pretty much keeps to herself and practices being more hypocritical than YOU most of the time. Not surprisingly, she's in our class...I wonder why that is. *Tries to figure it out* Utena: So, are there any mental conditions going on between the two of them? Wakaba: Of course not! Well...yeah. A ton, really. But I'm ignorant of those! HE WILL BE ASSIMILATED! Utena: I see you want his body. Wakaba: Not nearly as much as yours. Open up, I want in. ^-^ *Intimidating Student Council music plays* Saionji: Wow, this balcony is cool! I NEVER get to be up here! It's so high...and there's these neat chairs, and- *Blinks* Uh... *Cough* You called me out here on short notice, fellow council members. Be quick about it, I don't have time for too much exposition. Miki: Saionji, everyone who wears the rose signet is on the student council. But not really. Juri: We don't want you to forget the most important rule we follow. But we really don't care if you forget. Touga: Saionji, your treatment of the metaphor has been troubling us lately. Saionji: You take FOREVER to catch on, you know that? Touga: It's true you're engaged to the metaphor, but that doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want to he- Well, actually, now that I think of it, you can do whatever the hell you want to her. Nevermind. Miki: My pencil lead broke. FEAR. Juri: Yup, your pencil lead broke. And Touga, you were pretty much right too. Juri: ...Just to recap. Touga: Don't abuse the metaphor, Saion- Well, actually, now that I think of it, you *can* abuse the metaphor. Nevermind. The student council exists by the will of my pimp, whom I'm sure you're all sexually aquainted with by now. If he learnes that you're abusing the metaphor, he won't let it go- Well, actually, now that I think of it, he won't care if you abuse the metaphor. Nevermind. Saionji: ...Are you able to talk normally? Touga: I'm not sure. Saionji: Anyway, there's nothing to worry about, I beat her on a regular basis. Miki: *Click* That line was important, I think. 3.12 seconds...dammit, I need a new pencil. Anthy: I'm paying attention. Really. I swear. Saionji: See? Everything is fucked up and dysfunctional as usual. Of course, if any of you guys would like to try to validate YOUR problems by having a pointless fight for a nonexistant prize, then by all means, grab your idiot sticks and come get me. Bwahahaha. Touga: Don't forget, the main character hasn't arrived yet! HER ignorance will make yours PALE in comparison, knave! Saionji: You don't even know what that word means. Wakaba: That's one phat ring. Is it our school cres- Utena: Yes. Wakaba: . Utena: UH.I mean.I'm not sure. Maybe. God dammit. x.x Wakaba: Where'd you get it? Utena: From a prince on a white horse. Well...he really wasn't on a white horse...or a prince for that matter. So, uh...a cereal box? Wakaba: What? Utena: Well, he told me all about how I was going to be fucked over in this series, but I didn't remember any of it, so I'm just going to pretend that he was a prince on a white horse and that I'm a prince too! Ignorance ROCKS! *Giggles* Wakaba: Oh...I get it. You're insane. That's okay, I'm insane too. I'm a Princess from the Onion Kingdom! Really! My mommy said so. She also said that my favorite food as a kid was heavy-duty thermal paint. *Commotion by the bulletin board as the 'Miss Ohtori 1998 Nude Calendar' is posted...picturing Shiori, of course. Crowd recoils in disgust and finds a love letter instead* Wakaba: FUCK, that's MY love letter! Utena: Is it? Let me go tear it up then. Wakaba: ... *Sobs* Utena: What? It's not like it's YOURS or some- ...Dammit. *Wakaba runs away* Utena: Well, regardless of the fact that I'm an insensitive, ignorant dunce, this is a good opportunity for me to break into the main plot line. Let's dancing! *Saionji practices Kendo* Saionji: I dunno. I get a lot of love letters. Utena: *Falls over laughing* No you don't. Saionji: *Gets angry* I have a sword! Fear me! Utena: You're wearing a skirt. Saionji: ... *Sobs* It's a MANLY SKIRT! Utena: Look, why did you put it up on the board? Saionji: I'm a bastard. Wait, no, that didn't sound nearly cool enough. Saionji: *Gets evil look* I'm a heart-rending, terribly cruel bastard! Utena: You need your ass kicked. Saionji: Do you even know what you're saying? Hey, wait...you must be the new puppet. Utena: The what? Saionji: Nothing, nothing...Pinnochio. *Snicker* Utena: I bet you're compensating for something with that bokken of yours. Saionji: >.<;;; IN THE FOREST, AFTER SCHOOL. Utena: Forest...you mean the one that minor plot points aren't allowed near? Saionji: I'm going to introduce you to my friend SURREALISM. *Shadow girls show up* A-ko: I think it's funny how in reality, we're the only ones that know what's going on. B-ko: *Chomps on popcorn* I guess it falls to us to explain things. So, Utena has no fucking clue what she is getting into, thereby insuring that we will be massively entertained with her clueless antics. And there's gonna be a fight and stuff. A-ko: We bounce. See? *Utena arrives at the duel arena* Utena: Just as I thought...you need a key to get into this stock footage. *Utena accidently makes the mistake of going on with the plot* Utena: COLD! STAIRS! TIRED! APOCALYPTIC MUSIC! FLOATING CASTLE! Saionji: Surprise, bitch. Utena: What the hell is going on? Saionji: The castle isn't real, it's an illusion. Utena: You've got to be wrong, seeing as how this is only the first episode. Saionji: *Falls off the side of the arena laughing* Utena: ...That must be a ploy to make me change my mind. Won't work. Saionji: *Climbs back up* So, anyway, I'm surprised that someone who wears the rose signet isn't on the council. It's almost like me. Utena: Rose signet? Saionji: The little ring that makes you forget everything important. Utena: Oh, I've got one of those! *Beams* Saionji: Anthy! Prepare us. Anthy: *Walks up* I hate my life. I love my life. Utena: You smell like that prince guy! AND you're massively hypocritical! I think I'll fixate on you. Anthy: Like shooting fish in a barrel. Saionji: Right, so, it's time for me to lose. Saionji: YOU to lose. Saionji: ...Dammit. *Slaps Anthy, who pretends to fall to the ground* Utena: My god...you're a wife beater. I think that's wrong. Maybe. Anthy: Don't trouble yourself with him. I'm going to mess you up FAR more. Utena: ...If you say so. *Anthy begins phallic sword pulling* Utena: What's up with this? Another illusion? Saionji: *Falls off side of the arena laughing* Utena: >.< I am gonna smack you bad. Anthy: Power of apathy that sleeps within me, heed your master and show indifference! Saionji: Grant me the power to ignore the obvious! * Duel Song 1 - "What the fuck are these lyrics?" * Saionji: You're pretty good for a girl...but no one is allowed to have a longer stick than me! *Saionji slices Utena's bokken in half* Saionji: A triumph for manhood! Wooooo! This is what you get when you challenge the strength of MY sword! It's kind of funny how you thought your ignorance could challenge the size of my- Utena: Okay. All of this is just REALLY STUPID. *Utena kicks Saionji in the balls and cuts his rose off* Saionji: Urgh...manhood...in jeopardy... Anthy: My god, she kicked you in the balls. ...I think I love her. Utena: You do? Anthy: *Giggles* Oh heavens no. My goal in life is to ruin your sanity. Utena: Your dress is red. ^-^ Touga: Oh yes, baby. You've lit the fire in my pants. Touga: ...Heart. Touga: ... *Checks his script for Akio's liner notes* *Utena walks home* Utena: Jeezus. I have some SERIOUS ignoring to do tonight. Anthy: Hello Utena-sama. ^_^ From this day forward, I am YOUR metaphor. Expect your life to go to hell in a handbasket. Utena: Yup, serious ignoring to do. End Episode One